Betty ford says i'm here all night
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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