bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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