I wish I only lived at night.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
