Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
