My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
