If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
