It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
