Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Randomize
