Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
