i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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