walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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