She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
