my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
