Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
