What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I AM VODKA MAN
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
