can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize