Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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