Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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