yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize