I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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