oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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