I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
