Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
