I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
