My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize