My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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