She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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