just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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