There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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