This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So much rum. So many feels.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize