You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
