walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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