If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
