summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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