idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
