I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
