I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
