dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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