she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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