yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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