I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
