I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
