Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
