just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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