FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize