I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Randomize
