Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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