so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
