My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
