My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
