if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
