my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
