Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
