Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
