I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
