My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
