Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
