Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
