New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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