I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
