I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize