I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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