Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
