Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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