When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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