One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
