The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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