I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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